Will You Be My Cheese Tree ?

This is a test piece I wrote in 1999, it is an unedited and imcomplete short story.
The concept shall be completed and continued.

Will You Be My Cheese Tree ?
Kym Robinson, 1999


Will you be my Cheese Tree ?

A hand book on the Are we you in us all.

First Draft: 1999

"Sometimes within the riddle lies the truth. It is so obvious, that it becomes hidden with it's openeness. The again, it could just be a simple riddle with no meaning whatsoever."

Chapter 0: What ?

Weird things or people can be rather disturbing and overwhelming, simply I guess because you get so used to people doing certain and predictable things. It is actually quite funny in a disturbing way, how much you take the mundane things in life for granted. One day, just one usual simple day I was coming home from work and well to be honest it was more than just a change. It was an entire re-shaping of my entire perception on everything.
I was married lived in suburbia, drove a entry model sedan and well I was content. Generic I know. It was a typical spring Monday, I was coming home, I was tired driving down the street to my house. I looked at the neighbours watering the garden his eldest son who was similiar age as my own boy, he had just got home from primary school. His son was dressed in his school uniform though he had a strange red afro hat on, nothing unusual afterall the Royal Show had just been and it was most likely from a show bag. Well he looked over to me waved and I swear as he turned to say something to his dad, a small rodent like man stood up from within his afro and gave me the finger !
Maybe I was just tired, but for some stupid reason I shrugged it of and went inside.

"Hey sweetie." My wife greeted me as I entered the house, as I said...generic.
I leaned towards her to give her a nice long deep kiss. Our lips met and I closed my eyes.

" Who said you could touch my wife you stupid moron, the amount of times Ive told you to build me that space ship so we can fly to Northern Swaziland. Oh yeah I forgot someone doesn't know the rules to Snap." A shrill womans voice yelled.

I broke the kiss and looked at my bride.

" What the hell did you just say ?" I asked her my eyes scanning her face for a smile.

" Nothing honey I was kissing you." She said clearly not knowing what on earth I was talking about.

As she went back into the kitchen to finish preparations for diner, I looked around the room still uncertain as to who or why what was said was said.
After a few minutes I walked upstairs and decided to have a shower, well the fact I stank decided the need for me.

In the shower I began to feel an odd stirring at my feet. I looked down and on the floor small letters began to move about the place. Two 'A's and several other various lower case and capital letters darted around the place. The pair of 'A's clawed up my leg I started to shake it furiously. The 'A's slid down and joined the other words. The began to form letters.

' You are you.'

They spelt and then they rushed around to spell something else.

' Take us to your cold place'.

"What...who are you ?" I yelled.

They started to scramble about again.

' Will you be my cheese tree ?'

I felt confused and for some reason it seemed natural to be angry. I stomped my feet around after them trying to squash them. The water splashed each time I slapped my feet against the tiled floor. They vanished, left, no trace. Was I going insane. I had never experienced anything like this before. To be honest I thought I was completly of my rocker. Well you are..were I mean.
What, can I please tell this story on my own, it is supposed to be a narrative and it makes sense if only one person tells it.

Yes well I was just letting them all know the full facts.

Go away.

I decided that I would go down stairs. That is when things started to get weird. The staircase had transformed into a long medieval stairway towards dark and danky dungeons. My wife was chained up to a large wheel. She was smiling at me.

" I made us a pasta bake honey."

" Thats nice dear." I responded trying to make this weirdness disappear with my will.

At the centre of the room was a burning lump, it began to smell, like over cooked cheese when you leave a toasted cheese sandwich in the toastie machine.


All and all the clock struck, eight fourteen and then his wife said. Is it he who dances with the riddler that becomes the ultimate riddle ?

I know a man, his name is YOU.

The orange mercedes, drove towards the house as all this happened, behind the wheel sat a stern faced man. A man who would have been more familiar giving a strict moral sermon during the early part of last century. He stepped out, his frock betrayed him. A bright pink dotted clown suit with an adult nappy wrapped around his waist.
Atop his head read a sighn that said.

"Ye those who forget the Cheese must bear the burden of the Lord."

Marching down the street behind him, was an army of angered Lesbian nazi-bots. High above their flags waved and their signs condemned the evilest of evil. The penis. The group also displayed their name proudly. “National Advancement for the Protection of Head Lice and other Non Fruits” or, NAPHLNF, as they so proudly wore on their t-shirts.

The preacher faced, clown suit wearing nappy fan turned and shrieked.

"Forgive me grapefruit for they are near."

With a mighty poof (literally) he spun about and rushed to the door.....

I laid my head against the pillow, I had to sleep. Within the secure rest of sleep, I would come out of this weird world I had all of a sudden found myself in. I certainly was starting to understand what Alice had felt. Though this seemed less ordered than her wonderland. As I felt my eyes begin to grow heavy, and that familiar warmth of sleep wash over me. I began to dream. Perhaps I was already dreaming. And this was just another step of it.


Chapter 1: The dream of her.

Smoke, heavy, hazey cloud like cigarette smoke filled the room. It swam across the air past people's faces and from their mouth's. It was not and un-pleasant smell, I remember that much. A voice sang superbly across the crowd of faces. I was drawn to it. It was, well beautiful.

" ...the autumn leaves of red and gold, I see your lips..." she sang.

The faces looked at me, none of them had any distinct features. They were as though they had come from a oil painting, background faces splurted without detail. Without any real thought. A coloured blur, the only distinction was the smoke, the only clarity was her voice.

"..I missed you most of all my darling, when autumned leaves start to faaaaaalllll."

The song slowed and disappered with the softness of the music, piano and saxophone ceasd.
There she was. Sitting astride a piano. Her dress was clingy, every one of her perfect contours was defined through the second skin that was her pearly white dress. It was though, she was the only real thing in this entire place. Even the pianist was a black tuxedo without much else except for graceful fingers.
She looked into my eyes, past my soul. Smiling she began to sing, leading the piano as it added to her perfect voice.

"...with this illusion, dear, within your eyes."

Indeed an illusion, perhaps, but what a perfectly beautiful one.
Suddenly another voice broke out over the muffled voices of the crowd and her clear singing.

" Go through and follow the hole."

" Go through and follow the hole."

It repeated, it was a man's voice. Sounding like an old time sportscaster, that should be calling a Joe Louis fight or a baseball match from the days of Jackie Robinson.

"Go through and follow the hole."

I felt a heavy hand on my shoulder, I turned suprised at the added sensation. A extremely large man hulked over me. His face was disfigured. Like it had been made of rubber and pressed with a hot iron. Two small black fish eyes, shifted back and forth, between them snarled a small nose that flared with every exagerated breathe.

"Go through and follow the hole."

Came the voice from a small, round, toothless mouth.
I looked shocked and stared at his features.

"What hole and how do I go through ?" I asked hoping to find some rationalised response.

"Hahahah. You will know. Hahaha. " He laughed as he turned away. Walking back in to the crowd of blurred images and colours.

The singing had by now stopped. Only muffled conversations continued, conversations that seemed impossible to tap into.
I wandered through the large room and found myself by a door, it was small and circular. Once I entered through it, the voices ceased. I then realised that I was in the singers dressing room. She was sitting before a mirror powdering her nose.

" Im sorry for the intrusion I seem to have lost my way. You have a fantastic voice"

She turned and smiled, her face became incredibly warm as she did this. She looked as though she smiled often and enjoyed a laugh. Her skin, was silky caramel in complexion and looked smooth to the touch. Her black hair, shone with the lighting and looked well kept. It rolled down towards the center of her back.

" Where are you from ? You look different to most people in this joint." She said, turning back to her mirror. Her eyes however never leaving mine as they watched me through the reflection.

"Well I don't exactly know where here is, to be quiet honest. The last day has been extremely weird. It is like some nightmare." I rubbed my hand across my forehead as I said this.

"So your saying Im a nightmare, honey ?"

"Oh, no. You are actually the only thing so far normal. Actually your not evern that. You are perfect." I replied appolegitically.

" Why thank you. But I am a spoken for gal." Her honey sweet voice answered.

I sat down in a large wooden chair next to her.
"My name is...I...I am sorry, but I can't even remember who I am."

She looked at me with a big heavy frown. Concerned that I was some crazy guy. Perhaps I was.

A small burst of air puffed above my left shoulder. A little blue animated bird appeared.

"Im terribly sorry. But you have better make a move on as the mice do not like to be kept waiting." It said with a mature, well educated English accented voice that betrayed it's small toy like body.

"What mice and who on earth are you ?" I asked angrilly.

" I am your trusted advisor, Windsor Egbert Milton-Bunther, and I am trying to remind you that, you must make a move on as the Mice are awaiting your company."

The beautiful singer looked at the bird and then me, smiling.
"Well stranger, I better let you get going. See you around, huh ?"

" It was my pleasure..." I smiled, my dimples beaming at her perfect face.

" Sara Delone. Look after yourself." Turning back to the mirror. I left and followed the small bird.

"So Windsor, how long have I known you, how long have you been my advisor ?"

"For several years now sir. Since I was a young chick. Now, sir, when you meet the mice, please make sure that you do not make any comments or reference to their size. As they find it extremely dis-respectful."

"I have seen a mouse before. So, what do they want from me ?" I asked watching this small blue glowing bird fly before my face, leading me through long bright corridors that seemed distant to the dark dingy club that only moments before I was in.

"Because, you have the key, sir." Windsor answered, turning mid-flight. He seemed suprised that I had asked him such a question. I know found myself trying to work out how I would have a conversation to some small rodents. Who wanted a key, which I had no idea what it looked like or opened.

The corridor, began to darken and narrow. Towards the end, among shadows was a suprisingly large mouse hole. A round half oval shape that seemed to had been carved into the base of a large wooden wall. With a certain degree of apprehension I followed the bird, Windsor through the mouse hole. I turned to look down the bright hall way that I had just come down. It had changed, it was now a living room.
It seemed as though it was a house from Tom and Jerry. Maybe it was the very house.
Had I just shrunk, or was this a house of giants ?
I feared finding out.

"Well what took you so bloody long, Huh ?" asked a giant round mouse, it was dressed in a well cut white suit. Its small ears poked out the side of a creamy Panama hat.

I stepped back, shocked, this mouse was near six feet tall, six big feet.
Windsor flew up to the mouse and hovered around it's face.

"He was delayed, I dearly appologise. Even though we are late. We are still very interested in your business." Windsor said as he flew around the rodent's head.

"Well I am glad." The mouse said approaching me. Its round body seemed un-naturally steady.
"Can I interest you in anything to drink, we have top of the range, Cheese wine." The mouse said clapping it's hands together.

Another mouse, this one by far much shorter came rushing in. It was dressed in a waiters attire. With a small bell-hop hat. Holding in it's hands it had round glistening bottle of wine.

"My finest vintage. I am sure it shall be to your liking." The big mouse said as he signalled for the other one to pour me a glass.

"Thank you. It looks very, nice. So tell me, what interest's do you have in the key ?" I asked, trying not to betray my ignorance on the sought after object.

"Hahaha" the mouse arched its head back bursting out in jovial laughter. It seemed it thought I was making a joke. Windsor too began to laugh. So I joined in.

"What does everyone want with the key ?" It answered.

"Now, did you bring it with you ?" twisting it's lips and looking more sinister than ever.

"No, he did not. We thought that we would establish a base for negotiations before we went into the actual business transaction. Now, as you know, we have been approached by several other parties. And by us being here now, we are showing you that we are more interested in doing business with you." Windsor explained, saving me from looking any worst or out of place in the entire situation.

I knew one thing that was for certain. I had to start trying to figure things out. And at the very least, pretend to know what is going on.

"Earlier I had the pleasure of seeing Ms DeLeone perform. She truely has a perfect voice." I said, changing the topic, in an attempt to stall.

"Yes, my wife is a very talented lady." He answered sipping down the yellow wine.

I swallowed hard and reached for the bright yellow liquid.
His wife, how ? Why would some one as perfect as her be interested in, in a mouse ?
While thinking about the unpleasant thought I gulped down the wine. It smelt of ripe cheese. The taste was over bearing. I choked heavily as the thick liquid past down my gullet.

"I told you it was a good wine." The mouse laughed as I wiped my lips.
Windsor looked me over shaking his small, feathered head.

"Perhaps it would be a good time to commence the negotiations ?"

"My little flying friend, the anticipation of getting what you want..ah..at a price is a part of the fun." The rat smiled as he looked at an impatient Windsor.

The meeting ended with me still having no idea what was going on. Windsor seemed quite satisfied though, he kept asking me if I was feeling well. It was as though he had been in my service for many years now. The rat however, as disturbing as he looked and came across, had a side that one could not help to warming up to.

Reaching the end of the long hallway, we came to a dark rain dampened city street. The noises and smell's reminded me of any major city in the middle of the night. The sight's however, though subtle were extremely sureal.
My glowing blue bird friend waved down a bright orange Taxi. His little awkward wings flapping at the approaching car.

Sitting inside the taxi, I felt my nostril's flare at the smell of freshly baked cookies. It was a smell unlike any other that I had come close to experiencing inside of a taxi. I was used to body odour, spice and human flatulence. The taxi driver turned around to us.

" Where you headed ?" He asked in a very strong New York accent. He was a giant orange-brown teddy bear. His beady little black eyes rolled as he looked at me.

" Please take us to appartment block's four B. They are opposite the 'Crazy Dan Bannana Peeling for your wildest hot dog experience, french onion custard strip bar." Replied Windsor as he sat his feathered behind onto the worn out back seat.

" Ah, I know that place well. I met Mrs Bare there." He turned and the taxi fired off down the street. I stared out the window, absorbing the fantastic scenery as Windsor spoke of what we had to do. His voice was in the background along with the Car's engine. I was completely taken in by the city.


Chapter AX: The Foe in the nappy.

" Does he have the key ?" asked the deep metalic voice.

Looking at the shadowy figure through a small television screen was a pair of assasins. One un-shaven and dressed in a grey over coat and matching hat. The other in camoflage fatigue's.

" Yes. He is selling out to the Rat." Answered the Military man.

" Indeed he is predictable. I want that key. Then you can kill him. But only after I have that Key."

The screen flickered into darkness. Both assasins looked to one another and nodded. They knew what they had to do. They had done this work a thousand times and would most likely do it all again for one thousand more.
Both men drifted back into the shadow's and the merging shape's of the dark lair that they had just been in.




If I had of known then that their were force's working against me then, I guess I would have been a hell of alot more cautious. All I knew is that I had this key, I knew it was valuable. But as to how valuable and important it was, I would have never known. I didn't even know what it looked like.

Windsor was pecking away at his small plate of bird seed as I drank down some glowing pink liquid. It tasted like strawberry custard.

" So what does this key look like ?" I asked Windsor who made a point to finish his mouth...er...beak full and look up at me.

" You know what it look's like. You carry it on you all the time." He then went back to eating his meal.

I began to feel my body, patting every part of it down in search of the key.
I then felt a familiar shape in my top left pocket. It was a small key. I slid it out and looked at it. I was shocked.

" This is the key to my gardening shed." I answered dissapointed.

" Yes it is" answered Windsor still eating.

" Well why on Earth would this be so important ?" I asked feeling all the more frustrated.

" Your wife's is a good gardener. Her flower's are sought after. You know all this."

" Yes but people are willing to pay for this ?" I held the key up.

" People are willing to kill for it." Added Windsor as he pecked away at the last few seeds.

I sat back into my chair taking in a lungful of air. I returned the key to my pocket and shook my head.


" So you think you know how to beat a mouse,
You think you know how to build a house,
Do you really think so ?
Do you really know so ?"

Several small child like voices began to sing as I looked around searching for the source.

" If that mouse, was in your house,
would your spouse, be really grouse ?
Or would they simply say

Do you really think so ?
Do you really know so ?
Can you be, are you we ?
Is it me, or did he say she ?"

I noticed on the floor, several small mice marched out. A little band was behind four singer's. The tune was catchy and enjoyable. Even if it was strange.

" Lovely Bertie, you know most mice, don't start singing as they come in" Windsor said as he hovered down to the mice.

" Hey big bird, I have one for you." The lead mouse said as he turned to his musical entourage and nodded.

They began to sing, a superb version of Joe Cocker's Black Bird. Regardless to the un-ending obscurity of it all, I could not help but to smile and enjoy the show.
Instead of Black Bird, the mouse had changed it to Blue Bird. I think Windsor enjoyed this and his beak seemed to arch up in a smile.



And who would have thought that men would become in the company of mice in such a fashion ? Perhaps I was realy going mad, or simply my wifes cooking did not agree with me. Though if I continue to question everything that happens like this for the duration of the story, then it shall grow to be rather annoying. I was confused by everything is a stark understatement, so I shall just continue the story and let you interprupt my dis-orientation and suprise to the coming events. Let me forewarn you, things grow stranger. Though again I will assure you, this all happened as I am now telling you.



When the clock strikes ninety-nine.

" So tell me about this cheese tree and why they are so desperate to get it ?" I asked Windsor.
He looked at me tilting his little bird head in astonishment and chirped out his response.
" Well as you should well know, the cheese is a mystical stimulant that enhances our intellect and can in some cases open up our minds to extra-sensory perceptions."

" So it is a drug ?" I asked rubbing my chin as I looked down at the small bird.

" Perhaps you could term it that, as it does have side effects associated with mind altering drugs. But when ingested by the right one, it can grant them un-told powers."

" What type of powers ?"

" The ability to understand everyone's thoughts, to even suggest to many that they are under your control. It would grant you un-inhibited power into nearly everyones minds."